It’s raining like cats and dogs out there, and I couldn’t be happier because I love cats and dogs! While this may be true, there have also some visitations by the gloomies recently, so yes, you are correct, I’m not fully cured of my #schizoaffective disorder. The affective piece has come into play in recent days, but thankfully, I’m not delusional. Gladly, I think I’m for real over that. There are more important things going on than the End Times or the Apocalypse or Mass Extinction really, and it does all boil down to “Loving thy neighbor as thyself.” That’s my favorite Jesus principle, btw. What good advice.
While it is hard sometimes for me to love myself, at least in my ongoing aging I’ve learned to think more critically and can get myself out of that Demon Box of Depression, mostly. I still take my meds like a good mature woman, and exercise like I ought, usually. I have to get back in the habit again. I worked out today, so there’s that.
Here’s the current Beast that struggles on me, and I trust I’ll be released of this as soon as my coffee kicks in. While I’ve resigned myself not to reproduce because of my lack of parentling skills, my frequent despair over this matter that had gotten me so down in the past has now transformed itself into something else, and this I really can just laugh at. Not really jovially, but just in an unnecessary way.
This is it: I’m afraid that I have been selfish for not having children, that my pride has overtaken me in my desires to make art, and that I really am just trying to protect the human race by not reproducing. I take a lot of medicine just so I can go to my job, and I try not to take too much from my employer. I work hard for my health insurance, and also hopefully provide service to the customer who come into my care and may need cheering up. I try so hard to be happy that it has actually won out, and I’m kind of positive mostly.
Shoot, but at least I can laugh at myself now, and understand that I’m not being selfish at all, just responsible. I do this all for you all, like getting my vaccine. It kills me that some of the Vaccine deniers can’t see that it’s something we do for everybody else. Maybe this is why I’ve been depressed, that I cannot save the world or speak reason into the folks who have lost their minds recently.
I’ll just sit around and be barren, yet blessed! I love you, everybody, and thank you for reading my blog, tormented as it may be. Please know this, though, our Creator is good and loves us, and forgives us for wee bits of fear and self-doubt, because He is that good. I believe that Jesus is His Son, and that He sent the Holy Spirit to comfort me when I get a little glum. This is what brings me peace, even in the tough times. I have not killed myself, and will not, but I just won’t have any kids, except the ones that I smile at in grocery stores, because I’m so glad for the other Mommies, as babies are so cute! They really, really are. Creation is fabulous!
#Peace #Love #Marriage #Infertility #Brave #Meek #Blessings #Hope #Salvation #Rescue #BeSweet