Revisit

I’ve got a whole lot of nothing to say. Please forgive my indulgence of writing here, little short visits.

Really, it’s the best I can do. I can’t write long papers, because I don’t feel as if my story is interesting enough. Really I just like the sound of my own voice, and never really say anything.

Actually, with those that I’m the most intimate, I get hoppin’ mad sometimes, and then I yell and cry. That’s it. It’s generally so stupid that the crying is just a snot fest. I don’t understand the excess of force, and the hollerin’ is about as violent as I get.

My diagnosis is that of a schizoaffective disorder. Sometimes the schizo really shows up and I fail to make sense, or have such a ludicrous idea about how the world works, that I begin to feel as if everybody hates me. They don’t. I’m fortunate because I have people that love me. For those that do not, I feel their pain. I was alone for a very long time, broken-hearted and just plain broken when I got my five-star diagnosis.

I know that I’m not the only one carrying around a psychiatric merit badge, and that’s why I decided to start this blog. Unfortunately I’ll probably have to go by another name if I decide to actually write children’s books. Fortunately my psych meds make me so tired that I don’t believe in myself any more, and I just go about my business, usually disappointed, but everyonce in a while making something lovely. Like a piece of toast or something. I decided never to have kids, and I stuck to it.

My husband loves my hollerin’ and also the sound of my voice as well, I assume. Our dog snores, and I do too. And so does my husband, he remarked as we proofread this little bit of typing and using of electricity to charge my Fitbit.

Actually, this is really, really good. I haven’t been as upbeat about my mental illness for years. Well, ever. This is a blessing. I’m thankful for every peaceful moment, and I do recognize the grace of my Lord who saved me, just for this typing and hope for the future. I think there are definitely pets in heaven.

#Schizophrenia #schizoaffective #mentalillness #hopeful #chillout

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