Sad Times

While I have been feeling terribly sick and unable to do things, I was going to tear into this WordPress space and tell you all of my woes from my sordid past. Thankfully I got out of that not groovy funk, and things got better almost immediately. My husband even brought me orange juice, after a chicken soup dinner. What a fine course of events the day became.

I guess I started this blog to write about mental illness, specifically my own mental illness, but as I kept posting here, I found that maybe everyone else in the whole world is right, and that it is not the most healthy behavior to concentrate on just the bad days. Thankfully, the discipline of writing and reading here allows me to get out of that place of self-destruction.

At this point, I’ll let you know that I have been a most ruminative piss-ant in the past, only aware that everybody hated me and that I should go eat worms. Thankfully I never did actually go eat the worms, and at late forties, I’m finally learning to change my ways. “So hop on the bus, Gus; Make a new plan, Stan,” as our friend Paul Simon does advise in his years of music making, mainly to save my life, but maybe not even just me. It appears that we all are attentive to the universe, and I’m thankful to have surrounded myself with new friends here that virtually give me hope to turn it all around.

So, yes, the past has been some kind of horrible for me, but I’m mainly getting over it, and it is more than just for those who love me, as it was in the past, but now I want to be well because it is true that I love life and healing. And a little glass of orange juice can make this all abundantly clear. Thank you, dear readers, for reading, and bless you, dear souls, for living.

#StayingAlive #KeepTrying #BelieveInYourself #TrustGod #DontGiveUp #ItGetsBetter

5 thoughts on “Sad Times

  1. Susankgray, Why do you think you are mentally ill? Your posts are clear and concise, well written. I will tell you from experience that we can rearrange our brains to believe whatever we want to believe. I have found good books that helped me completely change my life, that plus Faith that everything would work out in the end. It helped that I tossed the old T.V. in the trash 35 years ago, such tripe! I bet I gained ten years of life just by doing that…..I am 74 & still going, I can still work a NYT Saturday crossword puzzle…..I spend a lot of time here on Word Press & Medium trying to encourage writers, such as yourself to keep at it, have faith, it takes patience and Practice, and above all the belief that people will want to read what you have to say. So get busy and rearrange that brain of yours to believe that you are mentally Just Fine!

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    1. Thank you, Alaska Man Who Speaks Wisely. That meant a lot to me, after having been diagnosed like twenty-five, close to 30 years ago. My youth was spent chasing prescriptions, but I guess they did help me after all. Thank you for saying that I’m a good writer, also. Aw, shucks!

      I guess Recovery is a day by day process, and my idea of saving the world by coming out with my psychiatric journey might just be pointless. Maybe this “Just Fine” diagnosis is what will save me, and therefore, for me, the world. Thank you kindly for saving my life! Now I can write about other things, that make us all happy!

      Please take good care, and may God bless your kind soul! Like you, I believe in peace on Earth. Maybe I’ll devote my blog to peace for the future. There, a new direction! Thanks, again.

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      1. Susankgray, I am going to take the time here to give you part of a chapter from J. Krishnamurti’s book “Commentaries on Living.” (1954) Cessation of Thought, pg. 169…”It is odd what importance we give to the printed word, to the so-called sacred books. The scholars, as the laymen, are gramophones; they go on repeating, however often the records may be changed. They are concerned with knowledge, and not with experiencing. Knowledge is an impediment to experiencing. But knowledge is a safe haven, the preserve of a few; and as the ignorant are impressed by knowledge, the knower is respected and honored. Knowledge is an addiction, as drink; knowledge does not bring understanding. Knowledge can be taught, but not wisdom; there must be freedom from knowledge for the coming of wisdom. Knowledge is not the coin for the purchase of wisdom; but the man who has entered the refuge of knowledge does not venture out, for the word feeds his thought and he is gratified with thinking. Thinking is an impediment to experiencing; and there is no wisdom without experiencing. Knowledge, idea, belief, stand in the way of wisdom. An occupied mind is not free, spontaneous, and only in spontaneity can there be discovery. An occupied mind is self-enclosing; it is unapproachable, not vulnerable, and therein lies its security. Thought, by its very structure, is self-isolating; it cannot be made vulnerable. Thought cannot be spontaneous, it can never be free. Thought is the continuation of the past, and that which continues cannot be free. There is freedom only in ending. An occupied mind creates what it is working on. It can turn out the bullock cart or the jet plane. We can think we are stupid, and we are stupid. We can think we are God, and we are our own conception: “I Am That.” What we think, we are;but it is the understanding of the process of thought that is important, and not what we think about. Whether we think about God, or about drink, is not important; each has its particular effect, but in both cases thought is occupied with its own self-projection. Ideas, ideals, goals, and so on, are all projections or extensions of thought. To be occupied with one’s own projections, at whatever level is to worship the self. The Self with a capital “S” is still a projection of thought. Whatever thought is occupied with, that it is; and what it is, is nothing else but thought. So it is important to understand the thought process. Thought is response to challenge, is it not? Without challenge, there is no thought. The process of challenge and response is experience; and experience verbalized is thought. Experience is not only of the past, but also of the past in conjunction with the present; it is the conscious as well as the hidden. This residue of experience is memory, influence; and the response of memory, of the past is thought. Thought can and does place itself at different levels, the stupid and the profound, the nobel and the base; but it is still thought, is it not? The God of thought is still of the mind, of the word. The thought of God is not God, it is merely the response of memory. Memory is long-lasting, and so may appear to be deep: but by its very structure it can never be deep. Memory may be concealed, not in immediate view, but that does not make it profound, or anything more than what it is. Thought can give to itself greater value, but it remains thought. When the mind is occupied with its own self-projection, it has not gone beyond thought, it has only assumed a new role, a new pose; under the cloak it is still thought. One cannot go beyond thought, for the “one,” the maker of effort, is the result of thought. In uncovering the thought process, which is self-knowledge, the truth of what IS puts an end to the thought process. The truth of what IS is not to be found in any book, ancient or modern. What is found is the word, but not truth. “Then how is one to find truth?” One cannot find it. The effort to find truth brings about a self-projected end; and that end is not truth. A result is not truth; result is the continuation of thought, extended or projected. Only when thought ends is there truth. There is no ending of thought through compulsion, through discipline, through any form of resistance. Listening to the story of what IS brings its own liberation. It is truth that liberates, not the effort to be free.” susankgray, you may have to read this many times to understand it, I have spent many hours in Mr. Krishnamurti’s works, and I will probably have to spend many more, but once you understand it is liberating……George

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      2. Thank you, George. Wonderful guidance for future reading. I read this introduction you’ve provided twice already, and am still thinking about it. Wishing you a fine weekend with much peace, Susan

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