Stubborn

Today my illness came out to me as a manifestation of something else entirely. Rather than thinking of my addled brain chemistry, my chemical imbalance treated by fluoxetine and olanzapine and a little #klonopin on the side, I realized that I may just have some faults of character, and particularly one of being #stubborn. Yes, there is the #schizoaffective disorder and #multiplesclerosis, but there is also the inability to refocus and change my mind. I dwell on the obvious, and stay always sad when it might have just been a passing tendency.

Thankfully I had this epiphany at a staff work day and so quickly thought of something else, but thankfully remembered to revisit the idea here in the evening to make sense of my passing madness. Rather than sit among friends and coworkers and not feel good enough, I was able to let it go. This has taken years of progress that therapy and medicine and Bible reading never could quite quench alone. I’m pretty sure these days, well, today, that I don’t always have to be mentally ill. Really I can be an okay person who has a strict dietary and medical regimen to be of good spirits for the most part.

Life, my friends, is hard and incredibly difficult on a daily basis, but we can always try. I think this writing exercise with myself and my husband, and with you all, my new friends, is really helping me to hammer out what twenty plus years of mental illness has only confused in me. I’m a relatively simple girl with a bad attitude and character flaws, but there is hope, and I’m a #fully-fledged grown woman after all. Maybe now I can start writing about other things, and perhaps in the meantime this has given you all some good ideas. I love you, precious #WordPress community! Please stay sweet, and enjoy the ride.

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