Hell and Gone

Sometimes I really do feel as if I’m a butterfly that got squished in the electric bug light fryer on a beautiful summer evening. The reason that I feel this way is because I had some friends in the past who really made me feel like a worthless person, and while I know that they did not purposefully mean to do that, they did. They were good kids, but not nice to a broken spirit in their midst, especially with the pointless substance abuse.

That is what happens when you love for the wrong reasons at the wrong time in life. And maybe there was a young man who did not mean to break my heart, but my soul got crushed by his turning away. Really no child of eighteen or nineteen should feel as if she has met her soul mate, because who knows their soul at that age?

It was the clinical depression that overtook me in my youth, and I could not fix it on my own, and it turned out that my friends really just did not know what to say or do, because they were babies, too. I tried to rebound according to what my culture dictated, but I could not fit in because of said mental illness that just was untreated. So I wrote many letters, picked up a journal, and now I’ve got this public display of my illness that just makes me feel kind-of stupid.

As part of my paranoia, I feel as if some of the followers or entities that beg me to read their contributions here are some of those same people from my past that accidentally ostracized me. Young people. They do know it all, don’t they? In any case, what to do if you have been diagnosed as “mentally ill” but send yourself back to college to get certified to help those who are “mentally ill?” One must realize that all of that nonsense is a waste of time, and that every little bit is pointless because the reason for being alive still always remains inscrutable? Clearly the answer is not to become a therapist, because it is better just to think of something else to do with one’s time.

I know, too depressing. You all will probably never revisit after this, even if I do perk up. Oh well. Heaven and Hell.

#rambling #pointlessstory #nomeaningoflife #depression

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