Once it was all about the cats, but then I got a dog of my very own, and she loves me.
Because of being so alone in the world, just weird and untalkative while also overly medicated, I decided not to ever have children. It wasn’t intentional, it just never worked out. My heart had been so thoroughly broken two times, that there were no kids in the picture. My sister had kids, still does of course, and I knew that I would not be awake enough to ever care for a child, with the medicine I take for my #schizoaffective disorder. I’m not exaggerating.
Now my sister’s kids are young adults, and I’ve been married to the best husband in the world for more than thirteen years. We had initially thought that we might have children, but abandoned the idea in light of my frailty. Yes, that is emotional frailty. I don’t have much myelin, and even though I’m overall doing okay with my MS, there’s still that lack of strength that keeps me from closely engaging with the world. My husband and I have given up the shouting matches, but we still know that we are both too old for kids, and too pissed off about it.
You would think that I would just go through menopause, but I haven’t yet, so still the many chemicals and caution. I think modernity is a crapshoot, and some people are just more lucky than others. For this reason my religious faith shifted, and I became more happily Protestant, which is a relief because I did not have to divorce my husband to become a nun, even though I did still entertain the idea as a practicing Episcopalian. I think that now I’m Baptist, but technically Nondenominational, as I like it. I really just love Jesus and the Bible, Old and New Testaments.
Yes, there are other Great Books, Testaments, Preachers, and Stories, and I think that I just really love God. If I come off as being not Reverential enough, it is really primarily just because I cannot fully understand it all. Maybe this is the real reason we don’t have kids. Even though I am certain of My faith, I can’t really vouch for anybody else, having been observing human beings closely for these 45 years of Being Afraid. I think it’s the myelin, really, as how can someone be a Superconductor who is not correctly processing biological electricity, nor enjoying the process most days? (Myelin is the insulation on those nerve cells that are amazing in the body and mind, that make it work.)
Please don’t find this as being a complaint, because I don’t mean too get anybody down, and I think that I may have lost my train of thought. What I’m trying to say is that I’m not strong enough to breed, and I don’t want to feel as if this is a bad or unfortunate thing, or a failing as a human. I wanted a baby for so long, but I cannot do it. I just can’t. I still think that we’re living in the End Times, but I don’t understand it all, and I’m afraid things are just going to get worse and worse judging from the current political climate.
And I wholeheartedly hate to dwell on these things, so I take pills to be happy, don’t talk about it, and waste my time on distractions like this blog-making. Please forgive me, and let this go. There is hope for the #Future, and I do think it’s healing this planet and trying to heal ourselves. Because what would happen if there were no tea, and if my dog ran away, or worse yet, my cat?