Back then and Now

Part of my schizo-affective disorder is paranoia. I tend to think that people are talking about me, you know, like on TV and stuff, and it’s only recently that I’ve gotten out of this, mainly by not watching much TV.

I can read books okay, because they’re easier to put down in the scary parts, and I’m getting a lot better at reading again, and not just thinking of myself and my stupid life. Actually, I finally value my life again, and I’m getting better at selecting what I choose to read. This is a hard thing to explain to people, so I don’t. I just don’t keep up with all of the other literate people, and that is okay, right?

What also makes life challenging is the fact that I’ve got very few friends. Social media is killing me, but it’s mostly all I’ve got. I try to be sweet to everyone, but my husband’s friends are wearing me out. I don’t know if I’m their friend as well, and it’s annoying when we all spend time together, especially with my paranoia.

All of my other girlfriends have wandered out of my life, and there is the baby-making conundrum. I opted not to have children because of the psych meds and heritable traits that run in my blood, and I’m glad about this, as my husband is, too. It makes life so much easier to just be the two of us.

Unfortunately not having kids makes church hard, too, and that was the only option I really had for making new friends. Did you all forget how shy I am? Being lonely, I thought I’d make this stupid blog, my second attempt at that process. I guess I should go read some blog news now, and provide my obligatory hashtags.

#mentalhealth #schizophrenia #paranoia #poorselfesteem

3 thoughts on “Back then and Now

  1. I’ve been trying so hard to get back into reading. I just can’t get my freaking brain to focus! I used to breeze through two or three books in a week. Now, I’ve been stuck on ONE for the last TWO MONTHS. SO FRUSTRATING. And half of the time it’s not even voices distracting me, or intrusive thoughts, it’s just ME. I just can’t focus.

    I had to put away the T.V for a bit too. Particularly netflix. I started binge watching Lucifer and other paranormal-type shows and it messed me up. Sometimes it sucks to deal with, but on the bright side I’m not numbing my brain with television.

    I also relate to you in other ways. You mentioned it’s annoying when you’re having to spend time with your husband’s friends and not quite knowing where you stand with them on the friendship meter. That issue killed my last relationship. He got frustrated that I started avoiding his family and friend gatherings (this is an upward of 50-100 people at any given time) and I did feel bad, I really did, but I just couldn’t handle it. My social anxiety has been bad since I was a toddler, and when I started getting paranoid and dealing with voices I just couldn’t take those large crowds. They played off my anxiety. I started hearing the thoughts of all the people there, or I’d be sure they were gossiping, I’d hear them say particular things about me, or I’d be told they were saying a specific thing about me, and they sometimes only spoke Spanish, which I do not speak, and that just kicked up my suspicion. I’m pretty sure they all thought I was a freak. I didn’t talk really, unless asked a question, and I’d just kind of be there until it was time to leave. Eventually his family started telling him he could do better than me and blah blah, all while I was in and out of the hospital, dealing with family issues, and trying to steady myself.

    It was tortuous. We lasted four years though. I won’t get into how it ended. It was messed up on his part.

    Anyway, having trouble sleeping tonight and thoughts are moving pretty fast, so apologies for the paragraphs. I’ve probably left long comments all over WordPress tonight lol. Anyway, glad you started a blog 🙂 Hope you establish a great community here.

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    1. Hey there! Thank you so much for sharing and for commenting with a hopeful perspective. I’m so glad to know that I’m not alone, and am encouraged by your persistence, and that you are getting better, too. Sounds like you’re better off without the getting-you-down boyfriend, but what do I know. With my husband and his friends, I feel like now that I’m 13 years in, I better stick with it. We don’t have any kids, but I do love him.
      So thankful that you took the time to comment, and may God bless your fast-moving brain. I trust you’ll find great ways to work with it, and I trust that you’ll find the right folks to make you feel at ease. I hope to see you again, and you’ve given me the hope that I need for finding community here. Sorry it took me so long to respond. You know how life can be!
      Best wishes for a bright and lovely future. I’ll look forward to your posts, and will follow gladly! Take care, Alishia Dee, and thanks for visiting. May God bless you on this Sunday!

      Liked by 1 person

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